...for Immediate Relief
1. Make baseball fields bigger for hitting steroids;
2. Raise basketball baskets higher for higher players;
3. Tax all personal income over $10 million at 90 percent and use the cash to buy each of the rest of us a Cadillac Escalade, the vehicle most in demand by car thieves;
4. Convert all Cadillac Escalades to run on vegetable oil;
5. Privatize the Pentagon, and then charge Halliburton for all wars;
6. Eliminate all political advertising and require that politicians actually speak with their constituents from the backs of trucks and trains and on street corners;
7. Burn down K Street, for reasons too obvious to enumerate;
8. Burn down K Street again after it is rebuilt;
9. Require that all those elected to public office pass an entrance exam, including the president;
10. Require that the president speak English, or at least an actual language;
11. Allow PBS to bug every room in the White House for prime-time broadcast, including all bedrooms;
12. Require that all legislators attend AA meetings, in lieu of church;
13. Assign all Supreme Court justices to a paper route;
14. Make sure that all law enforcement officers can walk and chew gum at the same time (especially when brandishing firearms);
15. Separate all churches from states, or states from churches, or churches that state from states that church;
16. Require that all illegal immigrants get scholarships;
17. Legal immigrants should pay tuition, especially for our children;
18. Declare all stockbrokers illegal immigrants, and then send them back when they don’t get scholarships;
19. Require that all HMOs fire everyone on their staffs who does not hold a bonafide medical, nursing, or Culinary Institute of America degree;
20. Train all insurance agents in CPR;
21. Require that oil companies actually meet demand with supply, and not the other way around;
22. Require that FEMA and NSA officials actually know what emergencies and secrets are;
23. Subject all media opinion makers to an IQ test and then shoot all those who fall below 145;
24. Restrain all newscasters from uttering “Tch, tch,” or any other stupid little remarks;
25. Instruct all fictional writers of nonfiction in the subtle nuances of the double negative;
26. Correct everything that has become politically correct;
27. Legalize marijuana, a plant;
Cauterize Ann Coulter, also a plant;
28. Release all prisoners convicted of getting high, but retain all those convicted of getting low;
29. Ban distilled spirits for all those over 21 years of age;
30. Make Budweiser and Miller brew real beer;
31. Put the caine back in Coke;
32. Eliminate Lite, Light, Diet, Fat-Free, and Reduced product lines from all brands;
33. Make liverwurst available in all supermarkets, even in Virginia;
34. Restore all barbers to Italian and all dry cleaners to French;
35. Make double creases in trousers a capital offense, and, by the same token, bad hair a capitol offense;
36. Ensure that blondes have more fun, and stop scrunching up their noses.
