Amendments...

...for Immediate Relief

1. Make baseball fields bigger for hitting steroids;

2. Raise basketball baskets higher for higher players;

3. Tax all personal income over $10 million at 90 percent and use the cash to buy each of the rest of us a Cadillac Escalade, the vehicle most in demand by car thieves;

4. Convert all Cadillac Escalades to run on vegetable oil;

5. Privatize the Pentagon, and then charge Halliburton for all wars;

6. Eliminate all political advertising and require that politicians actually speak with their constituents from the backs of trucks and trains and on street corners;

7. Burn down K Street, for reasons too obvious to enumerate;

8. Burn down K Street again after it is rebuilt;

9. Require that all those elected to public office pass an entrance exam, including the president;

10. Require that the president speak English, or at least an actual language;

11. Allow PBS to bug every room in the White House for prime-time broadcast, including all bedrooms;

12. Require that all legislators attend AA meetings, in lieu of church;

13. Assign all Supreme Court justices to a paper route;

14. Make sure that all law enforcement officers can walk and chew gum at the same time (especially when brandishing firearms);

15. Separate all churches from states, or states from churches, or churches that state from states that church;

16. Require that all illegal immigrants get scholarships;

17. Legal immigrants should pay tuition, especially for our children;

18. Declare all stockbrokers illegal immigrants, and then send them back when they don’t get scholarships;

19. Require that all HMOs fire everyone on their staffs who does not hold a bonafide medical, nursing, or Culinary Institute of America degree;

20. Train all insurance agents in CPR;

21. Require that oil companies actually meet demand with supply, and not the other way around;

22. Require that FEMA and NSA officials actually know what emergencies and secrets are;

23. Subject all media opinion makers to an IQ test and then shoot all those who fall below 145;

24. Restrain all newscasters from uttering “Tch, tch,” or any other stupid little remarks;

25. Instruct all fictional writers of nonfiction in the subtle nuances of the double negative;

26. Correct everything that has become politically correct;

27. Legalize marijuana, a plant;

Cauterize Ann Coulter, also a plant;

28. Release all prisoners convicted of getting high, but retain all those convicted of getting low;

29. Ban distilled spirits for all those over 21 years of age;

30. Make Budweiser and Miller brew real beer;

31. Put the caine back in Coke;

32. Eliminate Lite, Light, Diet, Fat-Free, and Reduced product lines from all brands;

33. Make liverwurst available in all supermarkets, even in Virginia;

34. Restore all barbers to Italian and all dry cleaners to French;

35. Make double creases in trousers a capital offense, and, by the same token, bad hair a capitol offense;

36. Ensure that blondes have more fun, and stop scrunching up their noses.