Biphone

“Hello, is this Ms. LaFave?”

“Who wants to know?”

“This is Dick Cheney.”

“Dick who?”

“The vice president.”

“Oooh, what can I do for you, Dick?”

“I have a proposition for you.”

“I’m hot already.”

“As you may know, Condi has run off with this Canadian…”

“Who?”

“Condaleeza, you know, our secretary of state…”

“Oh, really.”

“Yes, and now we need someone we can count on to step in and…”

“Lure him away from her?”

“Well, yes, or…”

“I’m not shooting him in the face, Dick.”

“No, no, not that.”

“Easy, Dick.”

“How would you handle this then?”

“Just give him what he wants.”

“How will you know what he wants?”

“Are you kidding?”

“Well, no, sorry.”

“All I have to do is get him lateral, Dick, if you get my drift.”

“Lateral?”

“Yes, Dick, you know, sideways.”

“Don’t you mean unilateral?”

“You mean like the president, Dick?”

“Well, yes.”

“Well, no, Dick, he’s not really unilateral at all.”

“Who?”

“The president, Dick, he’s not even bilateral.”

“No?”

“No, Dick, the president is bipolar.”

“Bipolar?”

“Yes, Dick, bipolar, just like me, and maybe you.”

“Me?”

“And Congress too.”

“Well, I don’t know about that.”

“And we’ve all made some really, really, really bad choices, haven’t we, Dick?”

“But we didn’t have any choice.”

“Be that as it may, Dick, if you still want me to do this for you, you have to promise me one thing.”

“What’s that?”

“Don’t rat me out, like that kid did.”

“I wouldn’t do that.”

“Yeah, right, is that what you told Scooter?”

“As long as you and I can, you know…”

“Why, Dick, you old whore you.”